"Utah Legislator Discovers Revolutionary Sleep-Voting Technique During 5am Congressional Snooze Fest"

In a bold new strategy to avoid reading legislation, Rep. Blake Moore (R-Utah) pioneered the art of "horizontal governance" this week, face-planting into dreamland during a thrilling 14-hour budget debate. Colleagues report Moore achieved REM sleep faster than Congress can approve a corporate tax break.

The Drama Unfolds:
CBS cameras captured the GOP lawmaker morphing into a human bobblehead at 5am, his skull performing a slow-motion tilt toward his shoulder like a toddler resisting naptime. The cause? A scintillating amendment about income verification paperwork (🎉 party time! 🎉). Colleagues gently roused Moore with the political equivalent of a caffeine IV drip, prompting him to slur, “Nah,” and giggle like a college student caught snoozing in Econ 101.

Key Context:

• The committee session lasted longer than the entire "Lord of the Rings" trilogy.

• Moore’s nap coincided with peak “why did I major in poly sci?” hours.

• His “no” vote may have been influenced by a dream where Pete Hegseth challenged him to a keg stand contest.

Conspiracy Corner:
Online sleuths theorize Moore was training for Secretary Hegseth’s alleged “Midnight Margarita Policy” after the duo were spotted debating whether military strategy pairs better with tequila or melatonin gummies. (Hegseth’s office denies everything, but sources confirm his 2024 agenda includes a “Caffeine vs. Cabernet” feasibility study.)

Quote of the Night:
“Sleep voting is the future of democracy,” declared one anonymous staffer. “Next, we’ll automate ‘thoughts and prayers’ with ChatGPT.”

🎵 Soundtrack Suggestion: ”I’m Only Sleeping” by The Beatles 🎵

Let me know if you want more zingers or a specific angle amplified! 🥱🍷

Suraay